Stupid SQL

"I didn't write this. I didn't make it hard. It's not Stephen Query Language."

Well, Professor Davies, who DID write it? 

I want to know so I can put a bucket of ping pong balls at the top of his door and peanut butter under the door handles of his car. 

I have about a million (Yes, a fine example of hyperbole. But it feels pretty close to a million.) SQL queries to write before tomorrow, and I still have to touch up my database for my presentation tomorrow.